Andy Rooney

"The average American worker has less vacation time than a medieval peasant."

"Most of us never stop to realize how much we depend on our brains."

"If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you. But if you really make them think, they'll hate you."

"There's a problem with being sure. A sure person doesn't ask questions."

"Guns don't kill people. People kill people. And monkeys kill people too—if they have guns."

"The speed of time is one of life's great mysteries."

"I don't believe there's any idea that can't be explained to a reasonably intelligent person."

"We're all pretty crazy in different ways—some of us are just better at hiding it."

"I like my towels to be hung up, but not too neat. Life should look lived in."

"The things that make us happy are usually simple and free."

"I think a lot of problems in the world come from people who think they know too much."

"We all have prejudices, and what matters is whether we act on them."

"Most advice is unwarranted and usually given by people who are too dumb themselves."

"Eternity is a very long time, especially toward the end."

"I don't think there's any truth to the saying that nice guys finish last."

"We're all broken in some way, and that's what makes us interesting."

"The best thing we can do is live honorably with ourselves."

"Most people won't admit they're lonely, so they don't find friends."

"Food is the most important thing about a dinner party."

"I never understood why people take life so seriously—it's not like we're going to get out of it alive."

"Money doesn't make you happy, but poverty sure makes you unhappy."

"If you ever think you're too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito."

"Most of us die from a disease called life. It's terminal."

"Good health is overrated. Have you noticed how healthy people are always so busy?"

"We should talk to ourselves out loud—it's therapeutic and most people won't notice you're crazy."

"I believe that everybody is born with a sense of humor and a sense of right and wrong."

"The reason they call it the future is because it hasn't happened yet."

"Painting is easy when you don't know how, but very difficult when you do."

"Most of us are dying from something. I think it's usually impatience."

"I think women are much better than men at multi-tasking, except men are better at ignoring things."