Frankie Boyle

"Life is 10% what happens and 90% how you respond to it."

"Change is inevitable; growth is optional."

"Success is just failure that finally worked out."

"Family teaches us our first lessons about love and betrayal."

"I've got a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid."

"Scotland's given the world something amazing - we've given them Sean Connery, Billy Connolly, and deep-fried Mars bars."

"The problem with religion is that it asks you to believe things without evidence, and then punishes you if you don't."

"My therapist says I have an unhealthy relationship with my past. I said, 'Yeah, well my past had an unhealthy relationship with me.'"

"Money doesn't buy happiness, but it does buy a jet ski. Have you ever seen someone frowning on a jet ski?"

"I'm not saying I'm Batman, but nobody's ever seen me and Batman in the same room together."

"The secret to a long life is not dying. It's that simple."

"If you want to understand a man, watch how he treats people who can't do anything for him."

"We're all one bad decision away from doing something spectacular."

"Modern technology has made it possible for us to be alone together more than ever before."

"The hardest thing in life is being yourself when everyone's expecting you to be someone else."

"Fear is just faith in the wrong direction."

"I used to have dreams about being successful. Now I have nightmares about losing it all."

"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about... unless they're saying you're a total bellend."

"You know what the difference between optimism and delusion is? Success."

"Time is the one thing we all have equally, and yet everyone complains they don't have enough of it."

"Love is just a chemical reaction in your brain telling you to do something you'll regret in five years."

"The greatest trick the mind ever played was convincing you that you had free will."

"If you're waiting for the perfect moment, you'll be waiting forever."

"Society is just a collective agreement not to punch each other."

"Education is what remains after you've forgotten everything you learned in school."

"The best revenge is becoming better than the person who wronged you."

"Happiness is just sadness you haven't experienced yet."

"We're all broken in different ways; some of us just hide it better."

"The problem with democracy is that it assumes people are intelligent enough to make decisions."

"Every argument between a couple is really about something completely different."