Fred Allen

"A radio comedian can't see his audience, so he has no control over their reactions."

"American humor is the physical humor of a man getting hit in the face with a pie."

"An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission."

"California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange."

"Changing a habit is like negotiating with a hostile government."

"Comedy is a funny way of being serious."

"Diplomacy is the art of saying nice doggie while looking for a bigger stick."

"During the Depression, I had to get a job selling apples."

"Education is a wonderful thing. If you couldn't have gone to school you wouldn't have needed an education."

"Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers."

"Familiarity breeds contempt - and children."

"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns."

"I have just enough white in my hair to be distinguished and just enough dark to be worried."

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."

"I looked up the word politics in the dictionary and it's actually a combination of two words: poli, which means many, and tics, which means small bloodsucking creatures."

"I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation."

"I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep up with the fools."

"I've been in and out of New York three times."

"If all the world is a stage, I want to operate the trap door."

"If someone brings up politics at a dinner table, I will come down hard against it."

"In every human being there is a spark of human decency."

"It is bad luck to be superstitious."

"It took me twenty years to get where I am, and I'm not going to let it take me another twenty to figure out where I'm going."

"Life is like a B-picture script - it's not whether it's good or bad, it's the way you narrate it."

"Life's not about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward."

"Lost time is never found again."

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

"Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a jet ski."

"More people are hungry than ever before, yet we talk about going on a diet."

"Never miss an opportunity to shut up."