Fred Allen

"Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since William McKinley."

"Once in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king."

"The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow."

"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we'd better come up with a name that sounds like work.'"

"There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice."

"There must be something wrong with us or why would we be doing this for free?"

"They're making a new movie about Marilyn Monroe, but nobody wants to play her because the role requires acting."

"To be happy, you need to find your purpose and chase it with everything you have."

"Two can live as cheaply as one, for about half as long."

"We're living in the machine age and machines have to be dehumanized."

"What's on your mind, if you'll allow the overstatement?"

"When they started enforcing the speed limit, I said they'd ruin the country."

"Where were you last night?"

"Wisdom is what you get when you listen more than you talk."

"With the coming of television, and the internet, and the instantaneous information - wham, that will change things."

"You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a flea and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and an agent's heart."

"You'd be surprised how much fun you can have when you can see out of both eyes."

"A bee is more honored than a butterfly, although the butterfly has more color."

"All that glisters is not gold."

"Be it ever so humble, it's better than a penthouse."

"Be yourself, unless you can be a unicorn - then always be a unicorn."

"Before you give up, remember why you started."

"Civilization is the process of reducing the infinite to the finite."

"Confidence is contagious, but so is lack of confidence."

"Criticism is the tribute paid by envy."

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

"Don't be afraid to fail - it's how you learn."

"Don't worry about the world ending today - it's already tomorrow in Australia."

"Everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear."

"Fear is faith in reverse."