Gracie Allen

"The secret to success is doing the opposite of what the unsuccessful people do."

"I don't care what anybody says about me as long as it isn't true."

"Never place a period where God has placed a comma."

"If you want to look thin, stand next to a fat friend."

"Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same."

"The mind is like a television set. When it goes blank, it's time to turn off the sound and see what kind of a picture it receives."

"Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness."

"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?"

"It's better to be looked over than overlooked."

"The key to marriage is honesty, patience, and trust."

"I would have answered your letter sooner, but you didn't ask a question."

"Once over the hill, you pick up speed."

"Everything I do is either illegal, immoral, or fattening."

"The most important thing about getting anywhere is remembering the way back."

"Time marches on. Eventually you realize it is marching across your face."

"In marriage, the greatest wealth is patience."

"If living is so dear, and dying is so cheap, why do we live and not die?"

"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get."

"The secret to life is knowing what to do with it."

"I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong."

"God is love, but get it in writing."

"The most successful people are those who are good at plan B."

"I'd kill for a noble cause, but I'm lazy."

"Acting is like everything else in life—you must be willing to learn."

"The only thing certain in life is death and taxes, and I'm not so sure about taxes."

"Women are designed to love and be loved, which is their greatest strength."

"Never assume malice when stupidity will suffice."

"My husband and I had a very loving relationship. We had our differences, but we never let them get in the way of our marriage."

"The higher you climb the flagpole, the more of your backside you show."

"I'm thrilled by just about anything that's beautiful."