Jack Benny

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either."

"The secret of my success is that I bit off more than I could chew and chewed as fast as I could."

"I would not want to be a player in a movie where the stakes were being felt, 'cause it's not fun."

"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"The whole world is about three drinks behind."

"The price of success is hard work, dedication to the job at hand, and the determination that whether we like it or not, nothing is impossible."

"My dear, I used to think that the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, what is telling me that?"

"I'm no different from anybody else with two faulty hips and broken record players."

"A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do."

"I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age."

"If the next world war is fought with atomic bombs, then the one after that will be fought with sticks and stones."

"This is the first time I've ever been called 'Jello.'"

"I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. She said, 'Somewhere I've never been.' I said, 'How about the kitchen?'"

"You know, I don't play a character. I play myself."

"The real secret to my success is that I didn't have any competition."

"I'm paying so much in taxes I don't know if I'm wealthy or not."

"I would walk down the street and hear people singing in quarters."

"Happiness is a good cigar and a bad woman."

"The world is divided into two classes: those who believe the incredible can happen and those who see all the possible disasters."

"I'm thirty-nine and holding."

"They keep telling me I should use my fame for something good. If I ever get any, I will."

"My wife says she doesn't care how much I spend on golf, as long as I enjoy it."

"I have just one thing to say to my three wives: Thanks for the memories."

"People always ask me how I started in this business. I tell them I was born."

"The most important thing is not how you live, but how you love."

"I've been working since I was five years old, and I still don't know what I want to be."

"My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-five years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but never divorce."

"The secret to a good life is good friends and good wine."

"I would rather have thirty seconds of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special."

"Money cannot buy love, but money can rent it."