Jack Benny

"I don't believe in sleeping. It's a waste of time."

"The art of living is the art of knowing what to hold onto and what to let go."

"I never go to funerals. I prefer to stay in touch with the living."

"Providence was kind to me, but Providence forgot to make me slender."

"The true measure of a man is not what he has, but who he is."

"I learned very early that the only person I could rely on was myself."

"The comedy is in the truth, and the truth is in the character."

"Every man has his breaking point."

"I've never been misquoted because I've always been clear in what I said."

"The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago. The second best time is now."

"I tell you, there's no better feeling than watching your kid play the violin. Except maybe watching your kid stop playing the violin."

"I've been in love. Twice, I think."

"The world breaks everyone, and afterwards some are strong in the broken places."

"I would rather be a coward than brave, because if you're brave and die, what's the point?"

"My wife doesn't want me to die in the house, because she says it will hurt the resale value."

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."

"I can't understand why people are so unhappy. Let me clue you in: it's because they're stupid."

"The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place."

"I was born at a very young age."

"The pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; the optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."

"I read about an actress that had to take her dress off. I thought to myself, now that's entertainment."

"The only real failure is the failure to try."

"My accountant told me I spent too much on taxes. I told him I don't have a choice."

"Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator."

"I would tell you what I learned in my life, but I'm still learning."

"The most important thing in any relationship is trust. That, and a good sense of humor."

"I've been asked why I don't write my memoirs. I told them, I can't remember anything."

"Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life."

"I don't know much, but I know the difference between a good joke and a bad one."

"The secret of happiness is not in doing what one likes, but in liking what one has to do."