Lenny Bruce

"I tried to commit suicide because I caught my wife in bed with another man. I guess it never would have happened if I had just stayed in bed myself."

"You know what they call a guy who's passionate about the law? A tortured soul."

"The FBI asked me if I was going to blow up the White House. I said, 'Not today.'"

"I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the Martians, and astrology."

"Satire is what closes on Saturday night."

"If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses."

"The real sick people are the ones who try to control other people's sexual content."

"Come back and see me when you're older, and we'll laugh about all these rules."

"I've been the same asshole for fifty years, and I'm not about to change now."

"My father was a really good guy. He called me a fag in front of five hundred people and said I was no good."

"Slang is the language of the common people, and the common people are always right."

"The sick comic allows the sick mind to express itself through comedy."

"I would rather be a man of my age, and not a man of my time."

"The moment you put a label on yourself, you limit yourself."

"I'm troubled by the fact that I'm not troubled by all the things I should be troubled by."

"They wanted to make me a saint. I just wanted to make people laugh."

"If I'm killed, it's because of my honesty. That's fine. At least I'll know why."

"The words you can't say, those are the ones you need to say the most."

"Comedy is the last frontier in America."

"I wanted to say that people change only through necessity and struggle, not through ideas."

"The problem is that we're taught to think, not to feel."

"Laughter is a sign that you're not dead inside."

"I got a new car, so I drove it home. Then I thought, what's the point of anything?"

"The more I live, the more I realize how much less I know."

"Parties are where the interesting conversation happens at the coat check."

"The greatest obscenity is apathy."

"If you're already in hell, why not enjoy the fire?"

"They said my act was indecent. I said their lives were indecent."

"The line between comedy and tragedy is just a matter of timing."

"I became a comedian because I wanted to talk about the things no one else would talk about."