Peter Kay

"You know what really grinds my gears? People who say 'no offense' and then say something really offensive."

"I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are."

"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, or so they say. Personally, I find going through the ribcage works just fine."

"I've got a bad back. It's not a bad back, it's just a back that's bad at being a back."

"Garlic bread. Brilliant invention. Bread with garlic. What's not to love?"

"D'you know what? I think you're alright."

"The problem with being Irish is you can't enjoy the misery."

"People think life is serious. But do you know what? It's not. It's quite funny."

"You can tell a lot about a person by their shoes. Where they're going. Where they've been."

"I don't do drugs. I'm more into the real thing - garlic bread."

"Life is what happens while you're busy complaining about it."

"The older you get, the less time you have left. So make it count."

"You know what's great about being an adult? You can eat ice cream for dinner."

"Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts."

"The best things in life are free. Like WiFi."

"I've learned more from my mistakes than my successes."

"You can't change the past, but you can ruin the future by worrying about it."

"Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you're diabetic, then insulin probably is."

"True friendship means knowing when to help and when to just enjoy the chaos together."

"Success is just failure that hasn't happened yet. Keep trying."

"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."

"The only time my wife really listens to me is when I'm on the phone."

"Courage isn't the absence of fear - it's doing it anyway while absolutely terrified."

"You know what nobody needs? A salad that looks like a garden exploded on a plate."

"Life's about the journey, not the destination. Unless you're on the M25 on a Friday."

"Love is patient. Love is kind. Love also forgets where you put your keys."

"The key to happiness is low expectations and garlic bread."

"Education opens doors. Mainly because you learn where the handles are."

"Time waits for no one, so make every moment matter."

"Truth is like garlic bread - the more you have, the better everything tastes."