Ray Gillette

"Art is something people pretend to understand to seem intelligent."

"Science is the only thing that makes sense, which is why nothing does."

"Music is just organized noise that people use to avoid conversation."

"Faith is believing in things you have no evidence for, which is insane."

"Leadership is the privilege of making decisions others will blame you for."

"Work is what you do to avoid dealing with your actual life."

"Dreams are just your brain's way of reminding you of your failures."

"Humor is a defense mechanism against the absurdity of existence."

"Beauty fades, but stupidity is forever."

"Death is the only guarantee in life, which is oddly comforting."

"Perseverance is just stubbornness with better branding."

"Gratitude is what you feel when someone bothers to notice you."

"Creativity is wasted on people who don't have enough sense to stop."

"Justice is what those in power call their revenge."

"Patience is a virtue I have neither the time nor inclination to develop."

"Kindness is just manipulation with a smile."

"Strength is the ability to endure things you'd rather not."

"Fear is the only honest emotion."

"Power corrupts, and absolute power is absolutely necessary."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy solitude, which is better."

"Health is just a slower way to die."

"Adventure is just a euphemism for going places you'll regret."

"Imagination is what makes people believe their own lies."

"Technology is progress until it malfunctions."

"History is just a record of people making the same mistakes over and over."

"Philosophy is the art of sounding intelligent while saying nothing."

"Literature is therapy for people too proud to see an actual therapist."

"Politics is war by other means, and it's just as pointless."

"War is peace, and peace is just war with better public relations."

"Motivation is something other people have that annoys me."