Cheers

"Strength isn't about how much you can lift, it's about how much you can endure, like my job."

"Peace comes from accepting yourself, flaws and all, which I do reluctantly."

"Life is a journey, not a destination, which is good because I always get lost."

"The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago, the second best time is now, but I'll wait."

"Money can't buy love, but it can buy drinks while you wait for it."

"The truth will set you free, unless the truth is embarrassing, then it'll just haunt you."

"Success isn't about reaching the top, it's about enjoying the climb, even if I fall off."

"Family is the people who stick with you, even when you drive them crazy."

"Loyalty is the foundation of friendship, and I'm loyal even when I shouldn't be."

"The person you become is shaped by the choices you make, which explains a lot."

"Mistakes are just learning opportunities, and boy, am I educated."

"Sometimes the best things in life are simple, like a cold beer and good friends."

"Tomorrow is a new day, which means a new chance to mess things up differently."

"The greatest gift you can give is your time, which is why I waste so much of everyone's."

"Every person has value, even if mine is mostly entertainment for others."

"Courage isn't the absence of fear, it's being scared and doing it anyway, which I do constantly."

"Hope springs eternal, mostly because I keep hoping things will work out."

"The road to success is paved with failures, and I've traveled every inch."

"Love makes you do crazy things, like moving to Boston to work at a bar."

"I've learned that the best way to win an argument is to let the other person think they won."

"Solitude can be peaceful, unless you're alone with your thoughts like mine."

"Relationships require work, which is why most of mine have fired me."

"Inspiration strikes when you least expect it, like when I accidentally say something smart."

"Motivation comes from within, or from Norm when he tells me to get back to work."

"War is terrible, which is why I fight only with my words, and lose those battles too."

"Politics is complicated, which is why I stick to simple things like living my life wrong."

"Literature opens doors to new worlds, mostly to fantasy where I succeed at something."

"Philosophy teaches us to question everything, including why I do what I do."

"History repeats itself, usually while I'm not paying attention."

"Technology changes everything, except how often I mess things up."