Home Movies

"I'm motivated by deadlines and spite, mostly deadlines."

"War is peace written in a different language."

"Politics would be less irritating if I didn't have to live with the results."

"Books are friends who don't judge you for eating in bed."

"Philosophy is thinking really hard about things you'll never understand."

"History is fascinating until you realize it's just people being terrible."

"I hate technology until it breaks, then I hate my life."

"Imagination is my superpower, which is why I'm unsuccessful in reality."

"Adventure is what you call your mistakes if they turn out okay."

"Health is something I worry about just enough to feel guilty."

"I'd rather be broke and happy than rich and anxious... just kidding, give me money."

"Power is deciding who has to listen to your problems."

"Fear is just adrenaline looking for an outlet."

"What doesn't kill you makes you more interesting at parties."

"Kindness to others is kindness to my future self who might need a favor."

"I have infinite patience for things that don't directly affect me."

"Justice is whoever has the better lawyer or the louder voice."

"Creativity is what happens when you're too lazy to do things the normal way."

"I'm grateful for sarcasm because it lets me be mean without consequences."

"Perseverance is just continuing to fail until people stop noticing."

"Death is the only promise life keeps, so don't worry about the others."

"Beauty fades, but weirdness is forever, so choose your path wisely."

"I'm hilarious, at least in my own mind, and that's what matters."

"Dreams are what I do when I'm asleep to avoid thinking while awake."

"Work is where I go to get money to fund my avoidance of life."

"I would be a great leader if everyone would just do what I say."

"Faith is believing without proof, which sounds like my dating history."

"A good song can make bad times slightly less bad for three minutes."

"Science is just trying to explain why things work, but they rarely do."

"Art is whatever I say is art, no matter how little effort went into it."