Carla Tortelli

"Knowledge without common sense is just useless trivia."

"Time moves slower when you're stuck behind the bar with drunk idiots."

"Truth is brutal, and I'm a brutal person."

"Freedom means not answering to anyone but your own conscience."

"Peace is the absence of drama, which is why I'll never have it."

"Nature's indifferent to your problems, unlike me—I'm actively hostile to them."

"Art is whatever makes you feel something, even if that something is rage."

"Science explains the how; I explain the why you're being an idiot."

"Music soothes the soul, but sarcasm soothes mine better."

"Faith in humanity is something I lost years ago."

"Leadership is making people do what you want while they think it was their idea."

"Work is just a series of irritations with paydays in between."

"Dreams are nice, but paying bills is nicer."

"Humor is how you survive life without killing everyone around you."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and my beholder is very critical."

"Death is nature's way of saying your lease is up."

"Perseverance is doing the same thing and expecting different results, which is insanity."

"Gratitude is nice, but recognition is better."

"Creativity is turning your problems into jokes everyone can laugh at."

"Justice is a luxury most people can't afford."

"Patience is a test I'm actively failing."

"Kindness is often mistaken for weakness by people who are actually stupid."

"Strength is standing alone when everyone else caves."

"Fear of failure is just fear of being like everyone else."

"Power without responsibility is just luck, and I make my own luck."

"Money isn't everything, but it beats poverty by a mile."

"Health is wealth, unless you're wealthy enough to buy better health care."

"Adventure is what you call it when your plans fall apart spectacularly."

"Imagination is what gets you through days with impossible customers."

"Technology won't replace human judgment—thank God for that."