Craig Ferguson

"The great thing about being an adult is you can do whatever you want. The terrible thing about being an adult is you have to pay for it."

"I'm not an atheist. I'm an apatheist. I don't care if God exists or not."

"You know what the problem with drinking is? You wake up feeling terrible, and you can't remember why you thought it was a good idea."

"Americans are very fond of their independence. But I think sometimes independence is just another word for loneliness."

"The beauty of being Scottish is that we're naturally suspicious of happiness."

"I think the key to life is accepting that you're going to be a disappointment to your parents no matter what you do."

"Comedy is about the truth. If it's not true, it's not funny."

"You can't buy happiness, but you can buy a plane ticket, and that's kind of the same thing."

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."

"I've learned that people will forget what you said and people will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel."

"Success is just failure that hasn't happened yet."

"We're all just stumbling around trying not to hurt each other."

"The thing about being an adult is nobody tells you anything. You just have to figure it out."

"I think marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

"You can't live in the past. Well, you can visit, but you shouldn't buy property there."

"The secret to life is making other people happy."

"If you're going to do something, do it well. Otherwise, don't bother doing it at all."

"I think the problem with society is we've forgotten how to be bored."

"Love is the only thing that makes sense in this world."

"You have to be willing to fail to succeed."

"The world needs more kindness and less judgment."

"I've never understood why people are afraid of new ideas. New ideas are the only way we progress."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy comfort, and comfort is pretty close to happiness."

"The best thing about getting older is you stop caring what people think."

"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."

"I think the purpose of life is to leave it a little better than you found it."

"You can't control other people, but you can control how you react to them."

"The only time you fail is when you stop trying."

"I believe in the goodness of people, even when they don't believe in it themselves."

"Time is the one thing we all run out of, so don't waste it on regrets."