David Letterman

"If it wasn't so pathetic, it'd be funny."

"See, I'm a guy who believes you should work hard, show up, and be reliable."

"The real problem with life is mathematical. It just doesn't add up somehow."

"I don't know anything about music. In my line of you, I don't have to."

"Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again."

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."

"You make your own luck. Some people are just born luckier, but you make your own."

"I don't sleep. I wait."

"The Top Ten list is a good way to avoid doing any real thinking."

"Folks, the big news today is that the country is going to hell in a hand basket."

"If you want to change the world, go home and love your family."

"My childhood was pretty good. My parents didn't fight. My home was happy."

"You can't beat the guy who never gives up."

"The reason I got into this business was I wanted to be a millionaire and have a lot of babes."

"It's like a New York thing. If you're from New York, you're exotic everywhere else."

"I got a dog. He's my best friend."

"The woman is an idiot. But I love her anyway."

"If you have to think about whether you're happy, you're not."

"This is the time to pull together as a nation."

"I'd rather be lucky than good."

"New Jersey is the most densely populated state. We have more people per square mile than anywhere else in America."

"I'm not a cynical guy. I'm a realist."

"People are basically good. They're just having a hard time."

"The only thing worse than a liar is a liar that's also stupid."

"If you're not failing, you're not trying hard enough."

"I've been in the business a long time. I've seen a lot of things happen."

"The key to happiness is low expectations."

"You learn something new every day if you keep your eyes open."

"I think the worst thing about getting older is you start to repeat yourself."

"Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug."