Don Rickles

"I hate to see a grown man cry... unless he steps on a rake."

"Being nice is easy. Being brilliant takes work."

"The key to life is being honest. Once you can fake that, you've got it made."

"I'd call you a fool, but that might be disrespectful to fools everywhere."

"You know, you're not as dumb as you look. You'd have to be."

"Character is something you build by working on yourself when nobody's watching."

"I have respect for people who work hard. You? You don't even work soft."

"The way you dress, you must be colorblind. And broke."

"You've got to laugh at yourself. Otherwise, people will do it for you."

"Real comedy comes from truth. Everything else is just noise."

"I don't hold grudges. I just remember people who deserve it."

"They call me an insult comic. I call it telling the truth with a smile."

"If you can't take a joke, you shouldn't be anywhere near me."

"I'm not being mean. I'm being honest. There's a difference."

"You want my advice? Stop asking for advice."

"The stage is my church, and the audience is my congregation."

"Never apologize for who you are. Anyone worth knowing will accept it."

"You're not bright. But you've got potential. Unfortunately, wasted."

"Life's too short to be anything but honest. Especially with yourself."

"I've seen prettier people, smarter people, but never both at the same time."

"They say laughter is the best medicine. You just proved it—you need a lot of help."

"Work hard, stay humble, and let your results do the talking."

"You're not my cup of tea. You're not even my cup of pond water."

"The secret to success is showing up. You apparently missed that memo."

"I've insulted smarter people before breakfast than you'll meet in a lifetime."

"Happiness isn't something you find. It's something you build, brick by brick."

"You're living proof that evolution can go backwards."

"In this business, you've got to be tough. Not tough like a rock, tough like a person."

"I say what other people are thinking but are too polite to say."

"Your outfit looks like it was designed by someone who hates you."