"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Humor
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
Education
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
Time
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
Philosophy
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
Humor
"The secret to life is honesty and strong wine or speedy demise."
Wisdom
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know."
Humor
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor, not a doctor's son."
Health
"A woman is as old as she looks before breakfast."
Humor
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped."
Humor
"Quotes are made up by people like me to make other people like you think they're smart like me."
Wisdom
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
Humor
"The party was not as good as parties I've been to, and it was not as bad as some of the others."
Life
"I never said most of the things I said."
Truth
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
Leadership
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
Family
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I bet he was glad to be rid of it."
Humor
"I wouldn't want to join any club that would have me as a member."
"Hello, I must be going."
Humor
"Time wounds all heels."
Time
"She got her looks from her father - he's a plastic surgeon."
Humor
"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."
Wisdom
"No, Groucho is not my real name. I'm breaking it in for a friend."
Humor
"How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them."
Humor
"If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong."
Happiness
"The secret word is 'duck'."
Humor
"As soon as I get through with you, I'll give you a piece of my mind - and all of my heart."
Love
"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it."
Humor
"Humor is medicine. Without it, life is just a series of events."
Humor
