Groucho Marx

"Before I speak, I have something important to say."

"In any case, you must remember that a man who says he never made a mistake has not tried anything new."

"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone."

"I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home."

"Secrets are like old age - the sooner you catch them, the better."

"No man goes before his time, unless the boss leaves early."

"I wouldn't say I was looking for trouble, but I was certainly happy to find it."

"There is one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says yes, you know he is a crook."

"A day without laughter is like a day without sunshine."

"I've suffered from all of the serious diseases known to mankind, and several I invented myself."

"Marriage is the most wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

"There ain't no Sanity Clause!"

"I'm going to leave you now. I came here for a reason, and I'm still not sure what it was."

"I've forgotten more about life than you'll ever know."

"The key to success is not to worry about things you can't control."

"Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans."

"Who are you and what are you doing in my pajamas?"

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."

"She's got a fine head on her shoulders, but her body's even better."

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."

"I would not want to be a member of any club that would have someone like me for a member."

"If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower."

"The chief object of education is not to teach you to earn your bread, but to make every bit of bread taste better."

"A man's only as good as his word, and his word is only as good as his character."

"Time is of the essence, but plenitude is much better."

"Fortune favors the bold, but abandons the timid."

"I find television very educating. Every time someone turns it on, I go and read a book."

"Attempt to get a man to like you by liking him, and you'll wind up disliking yourself."

"The Frenchman likes to insult his mistress, the Englishman likes his wife."

"I think that if we don't forget how to laugh, we'll never lose our way."