Groucho Marx

"I have given my memoirs far more thought than any of my marriages."

"I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education."

"Whatever it is I said before, I meant something else."

"There's nothing like real love, except a hot bath."

"As long as there's hope, life goes on."

"The key to a good life is not to work so hard that you miss enjoying it."

"I have very little patience with people who mistake their memories for facts."

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"A woman is an occasional thing in my life, but my horse is always there."

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

"Before I speak, I have something important to say."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"Time wounds all heels."

"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."

"I find television very educational. The moment it comes on, I go to the library and read a book."

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."

"The real art of acting is knowing who to rehearse with."

"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions."

"No woman can make me happy in any corner of the world where I am not free."

"The secret to a good life is good health and a bad memory."

"My name is Groucho Marx, and that's practically a contradiction of terms."

"I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse."

"The world has never had a good definition of the word liberty."

"Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend to read it."

"I must say I find television very educational. It introduced me to some wonderful books."

"As I grow older, I find that about 90% of politics is deciding whom to blame."

"I'd be happy to marry you tomorrow, but I need time to think it over."