Groucho Marx

"Mother always said the Lord would provide. That's why I never save anything."

"I've got work to do. A woman to see. And a bottle to finish."

"All right, I'll put away my cigar if it bothers you."

"No character in any country should be deprived of the right to live the way they choose."

"The world would be a better place if people tried to make it so."

"Ignorance is no excuse for people who use the term too much."

"If you came here looking for sympathy, you'll find it between S and T in the dictionary."

"I must confess I'm at a loss for words. But for only this moment."

"I'm harsher on myself than anyone could ever be, and I appreciate the same in others."

"Find a woman who makes you laugh and you've found a treasure."

"You've got the body of a forty-five year old and the mind of a child."

"The reason I'm in this mess is because I didn't ask questions."

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

"The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."

"I came out ahead, but just barely, with a few thousand dollars and some memories."

"Kiss me and I'll call you tomorrow."

"She was a girl who understood the vertical filing system."

"I told the doctor I was suicidal. He said, 'That will be $100.'"

"If that's what you're thinking, it's what I would have thought too."

"These are my rules. If you don't like them, I have others."

"The key to life is style. Everything else will follow."

"What does a screenplay have in common with a wife? We both have to work on them constantly."

"I married an archaeologist because he was interested in my past."

"I've met many hardened criminals. Some of them were nice people."

"You might not be the handsomest man alive, but you're a prince."

"The world would be better if more people would just say 'I don't know.'"

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."

"Why should I care what other people think? I don't even care what I think."

"All knowledge is good. Some is just more useful than others."

"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."