Jacqueline White

"I'm not a regular mom, I'm a cool mom. Wait, no, I'm a *rich* mom."

"Kimmy, you can't just go around being so earnest all the time. It's exhausting."

"Life is like a tennis match at the country club - everyone's watching, and you mustn't sweat."

"Love is wonderful, but have you considered a prenuptial agreement?"

"Happiness is just another word for having enough money."

"Success is measured in carats, not character."

"The only true friendship is the kind your therapist gives you, and that costs extra."

"Family dinners should be silent and dignified, preferably in separate rooms."

"Hope is what poor people have instead of money."

"Courage is overrated. Connections are underrated."

"Change is what happens when you don't have enough money to stay exactly the same."

"Education is fine, but have you tried just being rich?"

"Knowledge is power, but money is better."

"Time is money, and both are running out."

"The truth is often found in the fine print of a settlement agreement."

"Freedom means never having to see people you don't want to see."

"Peace is what I achieve when everyone does what I want."

"Nature is beautiful from a climate-controlled room with a view."

"Art is an investment strategy with a veneer of culture."

"Science is interesting if it helps you look younger."

"Music is fine as long as it's not too loud or ethnic."

"Faith is what you have until you need a lawyer."

"Leadership is telling people what to do without asking their opinion first."

"Work is something other people do."

"Dreams are lovely, but they're no substitute for a trust fund."

"Humor is a way to mask deep emotional unavailability."

"Beauty fades, but a good plastic surgeon is forever."

"We don't discuss death at brunch, darling."

"Perseverance is just stubbornness with better PR."

"Gratitude is feeling thankful that you weren't born poor."