Jimmy Kimmel

"Dreams are just your brain's way of reminding you of things you'll never accomplish."

"Beauty fades, but your embarrassing moments are forever."

"Patience is a virtue I've never had, which is why I'm always disappointed."

"Kindness is free, which is probably why so many people can't afford it."

"Strength isn't about muscles; it's about surviving another Monday morning."

"Fear is just excitement without the breath control."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy you things that distract you from your sadness."

"Health is a state of mind, which explains why I'm mentally ill."

"Adventure is just getting lost with confidence."

"Imagination is what separates humans from robots, which is why robots are probably smarter."

"Technology is wonderful until you have to call customer service."

"History is just yesterday's gossip with better sources."

"Philosophy is thinking about things that won't matter by Friday."

"Gratitude is remembering that someone has it worse than you."

"Creativity is what happens when you're bored enough to try something new."

"Justice is the theory that everyone deserves punishment equally, which never works."

"Perseverance is just stubbornness that worked out."

"Friendship is having someone to share your awkward silences with."

"Hope is pretending tomorrow will be better than today."

"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about - unless it's bad talk."

"My therapist says I need to work on my self-esteem, so I fired her."

"I tried being vegetarian once. I lasted about twenty minutes before admitting I was in it for the wrong reasons."

"Adulthood is just pretending you know what you're doing while panic-Googling everything."

"The best thing about being my age is that I remember when the internet didn't exist."

"Relationships are just finding someone to blame for your problems instead of yourself."