Kevin Malone

"Success is measured by happiness, not money."

"I have big dreams for my future."

"Life is what you make of it."

"I choose to be happy."

"Love conquers all."

"I'm grateful for everything I have."

"The only way out is through."

"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."

"That's what she said."

"I'm trying to hold it together like Toby holds his pants up."

"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don't always spoil the good things."

"I'm not a businessman, I'm a business, man."

"I would say I'm a carefree black man, but I'm not black."

"If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice."

"I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small, drive my daughter to a school that's too far, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little. But the one thing that I have to look forward to is that tonight, I will once again have to close the blinds on my son."

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

"Life is short. Demand the best. That's what I say."

"I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed."

"Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way."

"The greater good."

"I'm not gay. I have a very attractive wife."

"Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."

"Did you know that Florida is the only state that is also a peninsula and an island?"

"I'm not racist, I'm an equal opportunity offender."

"My friends are my family."

"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

"I'm not the smartest man in the world, but I know what I like."

"You know, I'm something of a Michelin star chef myself."

"I'm like a fireman. When I go to work, people are always on my jock. They're like, 'Kevin, you're the best.' It's amazing."

"That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."