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"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I don't see much."

"Humor is the only thing keeping me sane."

"Dreams are what you forget about when you wake up."

"Work is what you do to avoid thinking about your life."

"A good leader knows when to shut up and pour a drink."

"Faith is believing things will work out even though they won't."

"Music makes everything better, except silence."

"Science explains why things don't work the way you want."

"Art is subjective, like whether I'm a good coach."

"Nature is pretty until you have to coach soccer in it."

"Peace is what you find at the bottom of a bottle."

"Freedom means you get to make your own mistakes."

"The truth is usually disappointing."

"Time moves faster when you're not paying attention to it."

"Knowledge is power, but mostly it just makes you anxious."

"Education teaches you stuff, but life teaches you everything else."

"Change is inevitable, like divorce."

"Real courage is admitting you don't know what you're doing."

"Hope is what keeps you from drinking on weekdays."

"Family isn't perfect, but it's yours, so you gotta deal with it."

"Friendship is about being there for someone, even when they annoy you."

"The key to happiness is low expectations and cheaper beer."

"Love is like a soccer game - nobody really understands the rules."

"Life's too short to worry about what people think. Wait, no, that's a lie. I worry constantly."

"Success is just showing up, mostly."

"You gotta take life by the horns and wrestle it into submission."

"I'm not a role model, but I play one in my own mind."

"I've accepted that being brilliant comes with a certain isolation."

"Solitude allows me to think without distractions or interruptions."

"Relationships require someone to be the smart one, naturally that's me."