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"Friendship means someone who puts up with your nonsense."

"Success is relative to how low you set your goals."

"Happiness is overrated. Comfortable numbness is better."

"Wisdom is just experience without the trauma, so I don't have any."

"Love is painful, but being alone is worse."

"The secret to life is faking it till you make it."

"Solitude is just loneliness with a better attitude."

"Relationships are hard, especially with yourself."

"Inspiration comes and goes like soccer seasons."

"Motivation is temporary, like my enthusiasm for coaching."

"War is what happens when people stop talking and start yelling."

"Politics is ruining everything, but what are you gonna do?"

"Literature is just people complaining in fancy words."

"Philosophy is thinking about stuff that doesn't matter."

"History repeats itself because we don't pay attention."

"Technology is great until it fails, which is always."

"Imagination is what gets you through when reality sucks."

"Adventure is just a disaster that hasn't happened yet."

"Health is something you take for granted until it's gone."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it helps."

"Power corrupts, but it's still worth pursuing."

"Fear is just excitement with negative press."

"Strength comes from within, or possibly from steroids."

"Kindness is treating people like you want to be treated, or better."

"Patience is waiting for things while being angry about it."

"Justice is whatever the referee decides."

"Creativity is just doing things wrong and calling it art."

"Gratitude is appreciating the small things, like functioning knees."

"Perseverance is showing up even when you know you'll lose."

"Death is just like getting cut from the team, but permanent."