Frankie Boyle

"Freedom is just slavery with better marketing."

"Patience is a virtue, but so is murder - one just takes longer."

"Wisdom is knowing you don't know anything, which makes everyone else's confidence hilarious."

"Beauty is subjective, which is why I'm still single."

"Strength isn't about muscles - it's about how many times you can get knocked down and still get up."

"Fear is just your brain trying to keep you alive - and sometimes your brain is a coward."

"Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being, not just the absence of being dead."

"Work is where you spend most of your life proving you deserve the rest of it."

"Dreams are what keep you awake at night planning how to achieve them."

"Gratitude is appreciating what you have before it's gone - which is basically just depressing."

"Creativity is just stealing from different sources without getting caught."

"Justice is revenge with better lawyers."

"Leadership is convincing people that your crazy ideas are actually their ideas."

"Perseverance is stubbornness with a better narrative."

"Adventure is what you call it when things go wrong in an interesting place."

"Imagination is the only thing that separates humans from animals - and politicians from humans."

"Technology is great until it decides to ruin your life with an update."

"History is just proof that nobody learns anything from history."

"Philosophy is asking questions you can't answer and charging money for it."

"Literature is just someone else's trauma that you pay for."

"War is just peace with better weapons."

"Motivation is what you need when you're too lazy to do things naturally."

"Inspiration usually comes right before you realize you can't actually do it."

"Relationships are just long-term negotiations about whose fault everything is."

"Solitude is what people call loneliness when they're trying to sound positive."

"Family is people you're stuck with who know all your embarrassing stories."

"Happiness is a choice, which is why depressed people are just not trying hard enough - obviously."

"Change is inevitable, except from vending machines and politicians."

"Knowledge is power, but most powerful people know nothing - they just have money."

"Science proves that most of what we believed yesterday was wrong."