George Burns

"Life is too short to stuff a mushroom"

"Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair"

"I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate"

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible"

"Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made"

"When I was young, I kissed a lot of women. I also smoked a lot of cigars. I do neither now"

"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there"

"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples"

"The most important thing in an argument, next to being right, is to leave an escape hatch for your opponent"

"I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold a life-time supply right here on me"

"It's nice to be here. It's nice to be anywhere at my age"

"I look to the future because that is where I am going to spend the rest of my life"

"The great secret of success is not to work, but to enjoy your work"

"I'd rather be a failure at something I enjoy than a success at something I hate"

"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere"

"Sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand"

"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"

"Since I am still here, I might as well make the best of it"

"I don't believe in dying. It's been done"

"The most important thing in life is good health and a short memory"

"I spent twenty years in analysis. My psychiatrist charged me a hundred dollars an hour. In the end, he told me I was nuts"

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury"

"It's pretty hard to be efficient without being obnoxious"

"Don't be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century"

"The most important thing in life is your health. Without your health, you've got nothing"

"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone hiding something"

"The secret to staying young is to lie about your age, drink a lot, and don't think about your problems"

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy running taxicabs and cutting hair"

"I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we did not die, we would not appreciate life"

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake"