George Burns

"I've been in the business for sixty years. I know the business"

"Honesty is the best policy. Besides, what else can you really do?"

"You know you're old when someone compliments you on your life insurance policy"

"In show business, the most important thing is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made"

"I came home the other night and my wife said, 'Where have you been?' I said, 'I've been out getting drunk.' She said, 'That's what I figured.'"

"The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer"

"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. I've seen the end of it, and I was not impressed"

"It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense"

"I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day, so my life expectancy is a lot lower"

"My happiness is the happiness I bring to others"

"Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is everything else you want to do"

"At my age, I don't even buy green bananas"

"Everything that goes up must come down, but there's nothing in the law that says it can't wiggle on the way down"

"I refuse to admit I'm more than fifty-two even if rounding up a tidy sum"

"The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive"

"I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we did not die, we would not appreciate life"

"I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would think that I drink too much scotch"

"The most important thing is your health, without it you've got nothing"

"Looking back, my life seems like a long obscure novel that the author is constantly revising"

"When I get big laughs, I feel like it's Christmas morning"

"I'd rather be a has-been than a never-was"

"The best thing about my age is I don't have to listen to jazz anymore because my hearing aids won't support it"

"Life is like a cigar. You don't know how good it is 'til you've finished it"

"I don't worry about crime in the big city. I just stay in my car"

"Age is no barrier. It's a limitation you put on your mind"

"Talent is one thing, but it takes a lot of hard work to become good at it"

"I have many regrets, but I'm proud of my life"

"A real gentleman should never forget where he came from"

"The important thing is that you try your best and that you enjoy yourself"

"My favorite thing to do is nothing, and my second favorite thing is talking about it"