George Burns

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age"

"Look to the future, because that's where you'll spend the rest of your life"

"I'd rather fail than not try at all"

"I have my new personality all picked out and ready to go"

"This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the sun has stopped shining"

"The human race has improved everything, except the human race"

"The key to a good life is to have the kind of wife you want to go home to"

"The greatest thing about getting old is that you don't have to get dressed up anymore"

"I smoke in moderation. Only one cigar at a time"

"You know you're getting old when you're watching television and you see a show you've never heard of before"

"Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest"

"Acting is all about honesty. If you fake that, you've got it made"

"Gracie, I have something to tell you about your friend"

"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have almost succeeded"

"Your wife always knows what you've been up to, even if she wasn't there"

"A man's only as old as the woman he feels"

"Sleep is wonderful when you are tired"

"We work to become, not to acquire"

"I would go out with women my own age, but there are no women my own age"

"The secret of my success is that I bit off more than I could chew and chewed as fast as I could"

"I would not live forever, because if we did not die, we would not appreciate life"

"This thing called love, I just don't understand it. I can see dogs in the street making it, I think it's cheating if they're married"

"Old age is not a disease, it is strength and survivorship, triumph over all kinds of destructiveness"

"Sometimes I sit down to breakfast and I think I'm still dreaming"

"I can remember when the air was clean and the sex was dirty"

"The best thing about the good old days is that we weren't here to see them"

"I was in love once. It was wonderful. The woman wasn't though"

"I'd walk a mile for a camel, but I'd run a mile for a cigarette"

"The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love"

"The greatest invention of the 20th century was not the airplane or the computer. It was the cooling system in my car"