George Burns

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."

"Happiness? That's nothing more than health and a poor memory."

"I'd go out with women my age, but there are no women my age."

"The doctors gave me six months to live. I couldn't pay the bill, so they gave me another six months."

"We're always chasing after the next thing, when what we really need is to enjoy what we have."

"I keep my heart and my mind open to new things, and that's what keeps me young."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you miserable in a much more comfortable way."

"The world is full of people waiting to be discovered. You just have to look for them."

"You know what's nice about being old? Everything aches, but you get used to it."

"The secret to a good life is to tell the truth—you'll make fewer friends, but keep better ones."

"Youth is a wonderful thing. It's a shame it's wasted on the young."

"I think the key to good comedy is timing and the ability to make fun of yourself."

"Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there."

"The older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana."

"A man's got to take care of his health and his woman, not necessarily in that order."

"I don't believe in dying. It's bad for my health."

"The greatest thing about being old is that you're still here to complain about it."

"If you stay in the business long enough and do good work, eventually people will recognize it."

"I'd rather laugh than cry, so I've made it my life's work to find the funny in everything."

"Show business is no business like show business, but it beats working for a living."

"The way to have good ideas is to have a lot of ideas and throw away the bad ones."

"I've been in love before, but this is the real thing—no, wait, I said that last time too."

"People ask me how I stay so young. I tell them I move slowly and eat the right foods."

"If I had to do it all over again, I'd do it all over again."

"The key to longevity is to keep working and keep your mind active."

"I'd like to think that our shows made people laugh and forget about their troubles for a little while."

"Don't let the bastards grind you down—keep smiling through it all."

"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, you have two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade."

"The role of the artist is to make people think and feel."

"I've always believed that the best way to deal with life's problems is to laugh at them."