George Carlin

"The planet is fine. The people are f***ed."

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

"Religion is bullshit."

"Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking."

"The only thing they have to fear is you."

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist."

"Scratch any cynic and you'll find a disappointed idealist underneath."

"Have you ever noticed that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to f*** in the first place?"

"When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat."

"Some people see the glass as half empty. Some see it as half full. I see it as twice as big as it needs to be."

"The middle of the road is all of the useless people."

"I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke-free."

"Forget the politicians. They are irrelevant. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice."

"If the planet gets destroyed, it's gonna be by someone who suddenly gets the bright idea that he can rule the world."

"You know the problem with the environment? It's the environmentalists."

"Electricity is really just organized lightning."

"I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it."

"Just when you thought things couldn't get worse, they do."

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money so they won't quit."

"Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body."

"The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it."

"I think the quality of intelligence in mainstream journalism is at an all-time low."

"Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them satisfied enough to keep working."

"You can't fight City Hall. But you can goddamn sure blow it up."

"A person is smart. People are dumb."

"I don't believe in groups. That's the other guy's thing."

"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

"The Earth doesn't care. You're here for a nanosecond. The planet will be here for another 5 billion years doing very well, thank you very much."