George Carlin

"How is it that we always end up here?"

"There are things about American culture that I think are pretty cool."

"Modern time devotion: a freedom of choice but a slave to the system."

"People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think."

"You ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to give people the illusion they have a choice?"

"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that at some point, mankind said, 'We need to set those people on fire.'"

"Everyday I break my personal record for the number of days I've been alive."

"I have a feeling that about 80% of what I know about life is wrong."

"Our culture has accepted two huge lies: 1) that if you disagree with someone's identity, you hate them; 2) that love means accepting all choices."

"Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired."

"I'm wondering why the right wing hasn't renamed 'suicide bombers' as 'freedom fighters.'"

"The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."

"Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky."

"I'm 10 times smarter than you are."

"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream things that never were and ask, Why not?"

"You don't really need to do anything, just be yourself."

"A group of people thinking they're doing the right thing."

"The system is designed by a few people at the top."

"It's like a magic trick."

"We live in a house of mirrors."

"Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet."

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood."

"Maybe this time, they won't screw it up."

"People are wonderful, one at a time."

"The woman was the only one willing to work for nothing."

"In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."

"I have a problem with people who take the Bible literally."

"Scratch any cynic and you'll find a disappointed idealist."

"I'm not concerned about all of the people who don't believe in me."