George Carlin

"I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me."

"Dolphins are way more intelligent than people."

"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it."

"You ever notice that stuff comes out of stores overnight? Where do they make it?"

"Religion is like a pair of shoes. I'm trying to help you find one that fits."

"If you can't beatings them, join them."

"The illusion is that you have freedom of choice. You don't."

"Obedience, respect for authority—these are the kinds of things that are promoted in schools."

"Euphemisms are a hallmark of America."

"Nobody seems to care. That's the problem with the planet. Nobody seems to care."

"I'm tired of this stuff. I'm tired of the bull**** and ready to go."

"The average person would rather not think."

"There's a reason education sucks. It's the same reason it will always suck."

"I want to die while I'm still sick."

"I'm glad I'm not a woman. Women have to worry about how they look."

"Killing an Arab is not murder. It's not even a crime. It's a national security measure."

"Swimming is the closest thing to flying."

"Rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. They're privileges."

"The owners of this country know the truth: It's call the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"Congratulations. You're still alive. It doesn't matter. It'll pass."

"Weather forecast for tonight: Dark."

"I'm always slightly disappointed by the Mozart experience."

"I love music. I love all kinds of music."

"Comedians are the last people on the planet who are allowed to tell the truth."

"I often warn people: 'Somewhere in the world someone is training to kill you.'"

"That's all I'm saying is all I'm saying."

"Property is theft."

"I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete."

"Soft music is the only thing that can give you that feeling."

"I think what's happening is a lot of designers have lost faith in the real world."