George Carlin

"The only reason the IRS exists is to make the Mafia look good."

"That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists."

"Painting is easy when you don't know how, but very difficult when you do."

"Some people try to get you to hate them so you won't feel sad when they leave."

"We think in language therefore to imagine a language which we cannot think is impossible."

"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it."

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

"The planet is fine. The people are f***ed."

"Religion is bullshit and always has been."

"Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches to your body."

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money so they won't quit."

"Some people see things that are and ask why. I see things that never were and ask why not."

"Electricity is really just organized lightning."

"The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"Congratulations, you're an adult. Here's your bill."

"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."

"Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky."

"The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music."

"Forget the politicians. They are irrelevant. The real power is in the hands of small groups of sports fans."

"Have you ever noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to f*** in the first place?"

"I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke-free."

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders."

"It's never just a game when you're winning."

"Scratch any cynic and you'll find a disappointed idealist."

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood."

"You know the good thing about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans."

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."