George Carlin

"You have to be willing to question certain things that everybody's been taught."

"The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time."

"They will gladly give up political prisoners to the point of suicide and murder—anything, anything!"

"I love thinking about the unthinkable. It makes my brain hurt."

"People say New Jersey is the dirtiest state. That's unfair; it's only half the dirtiest state."

"I'm a first amendment absolutist. I believe there should be none."

"Is fuel efficiency really what we need right now? I say what we need is a car that can drive up the side of a cliff."

"Women are crazy. Men are stupid. And the reason women are crazy is because men are stupid."

"I don't believe in hell, but I'm pretty sure my mother lives in a suburb of it."

"Obedience is what we need. Not just in the military but in everyday life."

"I just want to do good things, I don't care if I'm remembered."

"We create the world that we fear so much."

"The amount of time between the desire to do something and the regret is measured in blinks."

"I have as much respect for authority as a dog does for a fire hydrant."

"It's all nonsense—it's all one big absurdity, so you might as well just relax."

"We're so collectively insane that we think we have to separate our garbage into different kinds."

"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then it sure seems wasteful of space."

"Before they invented drawing they didn't have to pay the light bill to enjoy art."

"Politics is the entertainment division of the military-industrial complex."

"The planet will be here, and we'll be long gone."

"One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk while I'm working. But I may already be drinking."

"Some people see the glass as half full. Others see the glass as half empty. I see the glass as too big."

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

"If you've ever made love to a woman who's had a colostomy bag, you've got no right to complain about anything."

"Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you."

"The whole thing is stupid and it makes no sense."

"I believe that keeping things simple is underrated."

"Regarding the fitness of children and their health: Walk to school!"

"Standing in the shower, you would think we would have found something to do by now."

"We might be here. We might go away. I'm not sure which is better."