George Carlin

"I don't have a gun, but I do have a stick. That's equally threatening."

"Religion is just a hobby for people who are not comfortable with ambiguity."

"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."

"The reason I like to watch golf on television is that I can mute it."

"If you want to understand something, watch how it's made."

"My mother's a breeder. She breeds because she likes to. I don't think she cares about money."

"I'm not a big fan of facts. I prefer higher truths."

"If your father is a poor man, he is poor; but if your father is a poor man's son, then your father was also a poor man."

"The illusion is that I could have done something different."

"The planet is fine. The people are f***ed. We're going away and we won't leave much of a trace."

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

"Religion is bullshit. But I love religious people. I think they're wonderful people with a terrible religion."

"Forget the politicians. They are irrelevant. The real power is in the hands of small groups of financial entities and corporations."

"Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body."

"I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke-free. But I still enjoy things I enjoy."

"Nobody seems to care about the homeless. Yet they're the only people with a genuine American dream: to have a home."

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."

"The best thing about the school yard is you really did learn about life, you learned about hierarchy, you learned about morality."

"Obedience: Structure, order, rules, discipline, regimentation, obedience - these are the things that are worshipped in Western middle class."

"I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me."

"Environmentalists are made up mostly of kids who are watching their future being destroyed and they're pissed off about it."

"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."

"You know what they call the middle class? The people who do all the work."

"Swimming is a confusing sport because sometimes you do it for fun, and sometimes you do it to not die. Which one is it?"

"The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music."

"Scratch any cynic and you'll find a disappointed idealist."

"I like people who buck the system. I engage in that myself."

"The illusion is that freedom exists. All we have is the illusion of freedom."

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood."

"Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone can win and grab as much as they can."