George Carlin

"You never notice how fucked up your country is until you leave it."

"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions."

"When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat."

"Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story of all time."

"Have you ever noticed that the alphabet goes from A to Z? That's because there's a conspiracy to keep the letters from organizing!"

"If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole plane made out of that stuff?"

"We got a war on drugs, a war on poverty, a war on terror. Is there any chance we could get a war on homelessness?"

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued mostly dark tonight turning to widespread light in the morning."

"No one's life is easier because of the internet; we're all just checking our email more often."

"Our country is founded on whitewashing and bull-shit and our religions are based on lies."

"The future will soon be a thing of the past."

"I have this simple little rule: if you're going to have a weird message, you should probably have a weird medium to match it."

"Language is the thing that separates us from the animals. Actually, I think it's the thing that's destroying the animals."

"I'm not concerned about all the people who don't know the truth. I'm concerned about the vast multitudes who do know and yet still lie."

"Personally, I'm waiting for candid camera to show up in my life any minute now."

"One person can make a difference, but most of the time they probably shouldn't."

"I've never seen the point of the web."

"You know what we need? We don't need a list of rights and privileges. What we need is a list of responsibilities."

"The real problem with reality is the lack of background music."

"Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking."

"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it."

"You can't have it both ways. You can't love your country and hate the government."

"If you think there's been progress, compare your beloved America to the Third World. They're the same place."

"Concerning the environmental crisis, the planet is not going anywhere. We are."

"We are the only species that gives ourselves diseases, builds hospitals to cure them, and then builds factories to create more of them."

"By the way, next time somebody tells you democracy is the best system we've come up with, remember they also think styrofoam is a good idea."

"In America, you're allowed to say anything you want as long as it doesn't change anything."

"The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is right now."

"I notice that the most powerful people never seem to be reading books anymore."

"Have you ever wondered why we need a holiday to celebrate our mothers? We should be killing them the rest of the year."