George Carlin

"Congratulations. You're going to be dead soon."

"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions."

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood."

"You're really a slave to society and to the culture that's been imposed on you."

"People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think."

"The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers."

"I believe that voting is a civic responsibility that helps to sustain our democracy. So I vote with my middle finger."

"You have to be careful about what you pretend to be because you might become it."

"Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do."

"Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be going after the the simple things, and the meaning of life."

"I went straight from single to divorced. There was no married in between."

"Soft music and flowers should be your tools of persuasion, not your demands."

"There are things about American culture that I find absolutely disgusting."

"The only reason we need a list of rights is because someone took them away."

"Have you ever noticed that lesbians don't have the same problems that gay men do? It's because they don't have to go to the bathroom."

"I notice that all the people who are for abortion have already been born."

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

"The problem with nationalism is that it always implies that your country is better than someone else's."

"We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the ranch."

"If you're born in America, you get a front-row seat to the greatest show on earth."

"Personally, I don't believe in jogging. It's too damn boring."

"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said, 'You know what would make this thing better? Flames.'"

"Wouldn't you like to see a chocolate salty balls commercial?"

"Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. I see it as twice as large as it needs to be."

"The reason I like to watch golf on television is that I can turn it off."

"My first rule of consumerism is never buy anything you don't need in a place where you wouldn't normally be shopping."

"The caterpillar is the greatest argument for reincarnation."

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with."

"Forget the politicians. They're all insane. But I'm used to it."

"Environmentalists are really just looking for an excuse to tell other people what to do."