George Carlin

"The world is getting dumber and dumber by the minute."

"I would never want to live in a world without dogs."

"The only entertainment value in government is watching these people try to communicate."

"I'm tired of all the stupid people. I want them all to leave."

"Language is a tool and nothing more. What matters is what you do with it."

"When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front-row seat."

"Some national parks have long names. Some have short names. Death Valley is in the middle somewhere."

"Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established."

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

"I hope someday to live in a society where the worst that can happen to you is that you have to listen to country music."

"The planet will be fine. People are fucked. We're going away. Pack it up."

"Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body."

"The size of your ambitions is limited only by the size of your dreams."

"People worry about the wrong things. They worry about things you can't control."

"I have a problem with any group that has a book that answers all their questions."

"Rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. They're privileges."

"Plastic bag. Paper bag. Plastic bag. The American way."

"I don't believe in bipartisanship. I believe in being right."

"If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders."

"The taboo against any criticism of Judaism is very interesting. You can criticize Christianity, but Judaism is off-limits."

"It's called the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"That's why they call it the American Dream. Because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"I'm always amused by the silly things people worry about."

"The only good thing about religion is that it teaches people morality. And then they don't follow it anyway."

"Everybody's got a set of beliefs. And you spend your whole life defending them. That's what I find interesting about people."

"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me—they're cramming for the final exam."

"If the planet gets destroyed, it's gonna be by someone who turned the smoke off."

"Just think about how dumb the average person is, and then realize how half of them are even dumber."

"I love when they say you can learn anything. No, you can't. You can't learn how to juggle elephants unless you have the elephants."