George Carlin

"The owner of the company is not an American. He's an international corporate entity."

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

"I would like to give my accumulated knowledge to the world but I cannot find the time."

"Pity the poor bastards who have to live in the real world."

"You know something? All this stuff about how we're destroying the earth - I say it's actually the planet that's doing fine."

"They're all tricks, you see. Magic is not real. Magicians are phonies. I don't fall for the tricks."

"We have two American political parties - the war party and the corporate party."

"The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created everything, most will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, they have to touch it."

"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

"Religion is bullshit."

"Scratch any cynic and you'll find a disappointed idealist."

"Have you noticed that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?"

"Environmentalism is just a hobby for rich people."

"The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse is that you cannot post 'Thou shalt not steal,' 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' and 'Thou shalt not lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians."

"Just when you think you've lost everything, you discover you can lose more."

"People are wonderful one at a time. In a group, they're like the things you'd find when you turn over a rock in the garden."

"Forget the politicians. They are irrelevant. The real power is in the hands of those who control the money supply."

"The only good thing ever to come from religion is the music."

"Electricity is just organized lightning."

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's not very popular."

"The most important reason for going to school is that it's the only place civilized people learn to sit still for long periods of time."

"We're so self-important, so afraid of the future, we can't even imagine a world without us."

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"Fracking is just a way for oil companies to destroy the earth faster."

"The future will soon be a thing of the past."

"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist."

"I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke-free. But I don't have a fax machine."

"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself."