George Carlin

"I think people are stupid in general. I think most people are not very smart."

"The bigger they are, the harder they fall. That's why it's called the American Dream."

"I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose on you. It's already broken loose. It's been breaking loose since the beginning of time."

"I love the Bill of Rights. But I think it needs some updating."

"Statistically, 100% of people who share their birthday with you will have the same birthday."

"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions."

"Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the good golfer is the one able to be the biggest idiot."

"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle."

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for a steak to cook."

"I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of these products are not secretly in league with the people who have a compulsive need to use them."

"Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself."

"When you step on the brakes, your life is in your own hands. When you step on the accelerator, your life is in God's hands."

"I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. As long as they don't hurt anybody else."