George Carlin

"Bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is afoot."

"I think people should be allowed to do anything they want to do, as long as they don't hurt each other."

"No one's ever been able to define the word 'free' in any sort of practical operational terms by which we could actually practice freedom."

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?"

"We're so self-important, so afraid of dying, we do desperate things. It's the sad human condition doing what it does best."

"I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American. That's a big difference."

"Property is theft. Nobody wants to believe that, so I repeat it."

"The only time to eat diet foods is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."

"Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities?"

"Life is a rare opportunity."

"When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat."

"Think of all the stupid things you've done in your life. God, I'm exhausted."

"Everyday, I beat myself up. Sometimes I have to go to the hospital."

"Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few years they were using the fish to feed themselves."

"Internally, I'm screaming."

"I went straight from single to married to divorced. It's like a tunnel that gets progressively darker."

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends."

"Instead of thinking about spilt milk, I'd rather think about cookies and milk."

"I really tried to enjoy this show, but it was really a terrible waste of time."

"How wonderful it is to be alive! And yet at any moment we may be annihilated by a small wreck."

"You ever notice the people who believe in creationism don't understand the concept of evolution?"

"Don't tell me you don't know what recursion is when you can read the definition again."

"It's all bullshit and it's bad for you."

"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said, 'You know what would make this perfect? A gun that shoots fire!'"

"I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose. That's not the majority of the people."

"Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac?"

"I guess my little mind can't quite understand the logic of having a half hour to kill before I kill myself."

"When someone is impatient and say 'I haven't got all day' it's probably because it's true."

"There's no such thing as bad people, only bad choices."

"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find where the line is drawn and cross it purposefully."