Gracie Allen

"Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man called Doc. And never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own."

"Gratitude is when you realize that you've been given more than you deserve."

"The biggest room in the world is the room for improvement."

"If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me."

"Life is like a play. If you must perform in it, you might as well overact."

"I'd rather be a has-been than a never-was. At least I made the attempt."

"The best revenge is to live well and to laugh when they can't figure out why you're so happy."

"In this world, two things are certain: death and taxes. Everything else is negotiable."

"People think I'm silly, but silly is just serious with the wrong makeup on."

"When you get to my age, you realize that every blessing you have is a miracle in disguise."

"The secret to a good marriage is keeping your mouth shut and your heart open."

"I've been married to George for years, and the secret is that he still surprises me. Usually with something I forgot to tell him to do."

"The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast."

"I don't believe anything I read in the newspapers anymore."

"Once, I made a great mistake. I said something witty and my husband didn't hear it."

"If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people he gave it to."

"Most people would rather give than lend."

"There's a difference between beauty and appearance. Beauty is about who you are inside."

"I never worry about the future. It comes soon enough."

"The secret to a happy marriage is finding someone you can argue with without yelling."

"You know, somebody told me once that if you're not happy where you are, you won't be happy where you're going."

"My husband says I've got the greatest memory of anyone he's ever known - I can remember things that never happened."

"How do you know if you're successful? When you can't remember what you were working so hard for."

"I think people should be free to do whatever they want, as long as it doesn't bother anybody else."

"I'd rather be sorry for something I've done than something I haven't done."

"The ability to listen is as important as the ability to speak."

"People think I'm crazy because I don't see things the way they do."

"If we didn't have the intelligence to find problems, the media wouldn't have anything to talk about."

"I once asked a man how many wives he had had. He replied, 'Mine, yours, and the next one I'm planning.'"

"You don't have to be smart to be wise. You just have to listen."