Gracie Allen

"Age is no barrier. It's a limitation you put on your mind."

"If you want a place in the sun, expect some blisters."

"The most important word in any marriage is 'yes'—yes, dear."

"I've been married so long that when I think I have an original thought, it turns out to be something George said years ago."

"Death is the only thing we haven't sponsored yet."

"Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too."

"The difference between a rut and a grave is only the depth."

"I wanted my children to have all the things I didn't have. So I gave them my hopes, my dreams, and my neuroses."

"Opportunity knocks softly. You have to listen for it or you'll miss it while you're busy making noise."

"The truth is like a lion; you don't have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself."

"I spend a good portion of my time working, and I think if you're going to spend time doing something, it should make you laugh."

"Admiration is when you regard someone according to what he claims to be. Friendship is when you know what he claims to be is mostly fiction."

"Never let the truth interfere with a good story."

"The secret of life is knowing when you're ahead."

"I would rather have roses on my table than diamonds around my neck."

"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, each player holds two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade."

"If you want to leave footprints in the sands of time, wear work boots."

"The mind is like a parachute—it only works when it's open."

"I think that you have to believe in yourself when no one else does—that is what makes you a winner."

"Burns would come home and say he'd spent the day doing nothing, and I'd say that's good—you're consistent."

"Sometimes a man's best friend is his dog, but the dog usually gets tired of waiting for him to come home."

"Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die."

"The greatest wealth is health, but if you don't have health, at least you have money to be miserable comfortably."

"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."

"If you're going to do something, do it well. Unless you're doing something foolish, then at least do it quietly."

"A man's home is his castle, until he tries to change something in the kitchen."

"I've been called a lot of things—scatterbrained, a dizzy dame, airheaded. Funny thing is, they weren't wrong."

"The worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves about ourselves."

"Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see."

"Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight about it."