Gracie Allen

"The best things in life are free, which is why I only have two of them."

"I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life."

"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."

"A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate."

"My husband and I were happy for twenty years, then we met."

"The secret of life is to pretend you're having the time of your life."

"Never love a woman you can't afford to lose to yourself."

"I'm not sure what the problem is, but I'm sure I had nothing to do with it."

"The problem with quotes on the internet is that some are not true."

"If you can't say something nice, say something witty."

"I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done."

"The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast."

"I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical."

"Never place a period where God has placed a comma."

"The secret to a happy marriage is finding someone as obsessed with you as you are with them."

"I made my mistakes, but in making them I found out who I was."

"If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people."

"The most important thing about having money is that it lets you answer questions without asking them first."

"Once you accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."

"I'd hate to be a teetotaler. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day."

"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle, but sometimes you need the bicycle to get away."

"The key to life is balance—balance between what you want and what you need, between giving and taking."

"Burns and I started as an honest song-and-dance team, but eventually we became too honest."

"Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions and your willingness to laugh at yourself."

"The problem with people is that they're only human."

"I think women are foolish to pretend they are equal to men; they are far superior and always have been."

"If you have enough money, you can do anything. If you don't, you should think of something worth doing."

"The most important thing in an argument is not being right, it's understanding why you're both wrong."

"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would come down my chimney at night."

"Love is like a gas station—sometimes you fill up without thinking, and sometimes you're stranded."