Gracie Allen

"The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago. The second best time is now."

"A woman is only as old as she looks, and a man is only as rich as he claims to be."

"Laughter is the best medicine, but if you're laughing for no reason, you may need medicine."

"The key to success is to do what you love and love what you do."

"I think we should treat people with respect and kindness, regardless of their position."

"The only way to deal with a man who doesn't appreciate you is to not have one."

"Dreams are what make life worth living."

"A woman should never apologize for being who she is."

"The trouble with most people is that they think with their wishes instead of their brains."

"Never give advice unless asked, and even then, be prepared to be ignored."

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

"The best revenge is to live well and be happy."

"A good laugh is a mighty good thing, a rather too scarce a commodity in this world."

"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."

"The worst day of my life is still better than the best day of someone else's."

"If you don't have anything nice to say, say it in a funny way."

"The only constant in life is change."

"I told my husband that if he won any more money at poker, I'd divorce him."

"Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life."

"The secret to being a woman is knowing what to say and when not to say it."

"I'm so smart, I don't understand half of what I say."

"The best part of getting older is that you stop trying to be someone else."

"If you smile at me, I will understand because it is too hard to listen to words."

"There's nothing wrong with a woman having her own opinion, as long as it agrees with her man's."

"The trouble with being a woman is that you need to look like one, act like one, and think like a man."

"I've learned that you can't please everyone, so just please yourself."

"Marriage is when a man loses his bachelor's degree and his wife gets a master's."

"The only way to do great work is to love what you do."

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I'm also not blonde."

"Life is like a box of chocolates, but I usually eat them all before anyone else gets a chance."