Jerry Gergich

"I should have known better."

"Nothing will ever fix this."

"I'm sorry I was ever born."

"This proves I'm an idiot."

"Everyone's right about me."

"I've hit rock bottom."

"Why does everything fall apart when I touch it?"

"I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

"Treat yo' self."

"Why would anyone ever eat anything other than bacon?"

"I'm not crying. I'm just allergic to jerks."

"Sometimes I think I should just give up and accept my fate."

"I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm doing it anyway."

"Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have network connectivity problems."

"Food has always been there for me."

"I'm the human equivalent of a bumper sticker."

"Every time I think I've hit rock bottom, someone hands me a shovel."

"I love waffles more than my actual family."

"Why would anyone want to work with me?"

"I don't understand the question, and I won't respond to it."

"You know what? I'm just happy to be here."

"Everything always works out perfectly for me, somehow."

"I find that people respond well to compliments and high-fives."

"I've tried my whole life to be a good person."

"Why does everything bad happen to me?"

"I'm surprisingly resourceful when I need to be."

"Nobody likes me, everybody hates me."

"I wish I could go back to the times when I was happy."

"Maybe today's the day everything changes."

"I could have been a dancer, a singer, anything."