Joan Rivers

"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."

"Never be angry at a man for his honesty."

"Life is very short and what we have to do must be done now."

"Don't tell me about problems unless you come with solutions."

"The worst thing for women is when they have to work at their beauty."

"As a woman, I'm exhausted by the fact that we're not allowed to age."

"It's our time. We are learning, we are growing."

"I can't believe how much I enjoy doing this because I was scared to death."

"I hate housework and I love staying home and working, so this is perfect."

"I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking."

"If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime."

"Get a sense of humor. If you can laugh at yourself, you can laugh at anybody."

"Just go up there and do it. Life is too short."

"I have proven I am not a quitter. In my life I've done everything I can to prove I'm not a quitter."

"Never, ever underestimate the importance of having fun."

"My mother could make anybody feel guilty, she was like a rocket scientist of making you feel guilty."

"Life is extremely short and you can't waste it on things that don't make you happy."

"I'm a very real person, but sometimes I'm a little different than what you see on television."

"You know, it's hard to beat a person who never gives up."

"I hate housework all the time."

"Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep."

"I keep saying I'm going to read more, but I don't."

"I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on."

"A man who laughs at himself will never cease to be amused."

"You know what's the hardest part of being a mother? Keeping quiet about how much you hate the parents of your children's friends."

"People who say money doesn't matter are like people who say cake doesn't matter. It's not true."

"I'm not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I also know that I'm not blonde."

"Show up, show up, show up, and after a while the muse shows up too."

"The fact is, it's hard to release records these days because there's so much illegal downloading happening."

"What is the point of being alive if you don't at least try to do something remarkable?"