Joan Rivers

"I love my vibrator and my friends for the same reasons."

"Ignore all hatred and criticism. Live a life of love."

"I've done both my hips and my teeth. I've had my tubes tied."

"I have no friends and no love life and I'm a very good person."

"The difference between being a success and being a fraud is all just perception."

"You can never be too rich, too blonde, or too thin."

"I don't care what anyone says about me as long as it isn't true."

"Better to be dead and cool than alive and uncool."

"I tell it like it is. I'm not diplomatic."

"Life goes by very fast. You get distracted by all kinds of things."

"You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself."

"If you don't have a sense of humor, you're in trouble."

"No one looks good. I'm talking about everyone."

"Just be yourself, there is no one better."

"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."

"I hate it when people say I'm not being myself. Well, who the hell else would I be?"

"I succeeded because I made myself invaluable."

"Do not chase people. Be you, do your own thing and work hard."

"What am I going to do? I need to find that one special person who will love me for who I am."

"These hands have been in a lot of places."

"My life has been one great big joke, a very serious joke."

"You cannot cry into a cup of coffee and expect it to be enjoyable."

"I enjoy life when things are happening. I am happiest when it is full and busy and fast."

"Never, ever leave a show on the table."

"I am a hot, loud-mouthed, oversexed, overachieving woman."

"At my funeral, I want them to play 'The Party's Over', but you know what? It'll still be going on somewhere."

"There is not one female comic who was in the position I was ever asked to the table in a meeting."

"I'm very interested in religion and philosophy but I'm not religious."

"I don't think there is anything in the world I haven't tried."

"Who cares what you look like? It's not about the outside."