John Oliver

"If you want to understand how broken something is, just watch people defend it with increasingly absurd arguments."

"Hope is not a strategy, but sometimes it's the only thing we have left."

"The most important skill in modern life is the ability to admit you were wrong and move on."

"Fear is just another word for 'I don't understand this yet.'"

"Bureaucracy is proof that humans can create systems more complicated than nature ever intended."

"The difference between a good day and a bad day is often just perspective and spite."

"Time doesn't heal all wounds - sometimes it just makes you forget why you were hurt."

"Justice is like a garden - it requires constant weeding or the weeds will take over."

"The internet has given everyone a voice and no one any wisdom."

"Change is terrifying because we know what we have and we don't know what we'll get."

"Creativity is what happens when you're desperate enough to try something stupid."

"The trick to happiness is low expectations and good friends."

"History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme - usually off-key."

"Power corrupts, but the illusion of power corrupts faster."

"Education is the only antidote to stupidity, but you have to actually want it."

"Patience is just another word for 'I'm too tired to argue right now.'"

"Kindness costs nothing, which is why it's in such short supply."

"The best jokes are the ones that make you uncomfortable because they're true."

"Freedom without responsibility is just chaos with better marketing."

"Music is the closest thing we have to proof that beauty can be translated into sound."

"Death is the one guarantee that makes everything else negotiable."

"Art is humanity's way of saying 'I existed and I mattered.'"

"Science progresses one funeral at a time - which is to say, slowly."

"Perseverance is just stubbornness dressed up in nicer clothes."

"Gratitude is acknowledging that someone else's effort made your life better."

"Strength isn't about never falling down, it's about having the energy to get up again."

"Love is finding someone who makes you want to be a better person, even when you don't want to."

"The problem with family is they know exactly which buttons to push."

"Courage is being terrified and doing it anyway - repeat as necessary."

"Money doesn't solve problems, it just replaces them with more expensive ones."